Uncle TM's Advice

A LETTER ABOUT A PET FLY

2010-11-20T07:17:00.001-08:00

Dear Uncle TM,
I know you have probably heard this story before but I grew up in a really poor family. We were so poor that Mama, over the years, created a basement for us because of her obsession to sweep the dirt floors until she felt they were clean. As a boy I had always wanted some kind of pet and one weekend my Daddy worked overtime as a band tester at the rubber band factory so that he could buy me my own pet. That Saturday night when he came home and opened up his lunch pale out flew a pet fly that he told me he had bought from a close friend of his at the tavern he would stop by at on his way home so he could help pack lunches for the widows and orphans. Anyway, I named my fly Buzz and we would spend hours and hours together. He didn’t eat much but I had to keep him out of Mama’s sight because she was real funny about him. On day my best friend Mo came over to play with me after school and when he threw his books down on the table Buzz was not able to get out of the way in time. I can’t tell you Uncle TM how much my heart was broken and even though that happened so many years ago I have not been able to own any kind of pet because the little boy who is still in me cries himself to sleep every night. Can you help me?
Signed,
Little Big Man
Dear Little Big Man,
I think the only solution for your problem is to find another pet. However, I feel that it is quite important to find one that can not be smashed. To assist me in advising you I decided to visit one of my favorite professors at the State College. After I had discussed the problem with him he told me that the last thing he wanted you to have was a pet that could accidently meet his demise like Buzz. He took me over to the SAM (Smashed Animal Morgue) on the campus and I could see all types of animals that could be ruled out. However, the one thing I didn’t see there was an Elephant. Now I know that he might eat a bit more than Buzz did but I have never heard of a smashed Elephant. Besides I have heard that Elephants can fly – look at the last election.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com

A LETTER ABOUT WEIGHT

2010-09-18T08:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Uncle TM,
I know it is going to be hard for you to understand what I have been going through but I am still going to try. For years I have been trying to loose some weight and it seemed that every diet I tried didn’t work. In fact on some of them I would put on a few more pounds. Finally I found one that worked and even though it took me over a year to get down to a pretty good looking size I am now faced with an even heavier problem. My husband wants to get a family portrait taken and then he wants to send it to every relative that he can think of. While that might seem okay to just about anyone else you have to understand Uncle TM that my relatives are probably the most critical people in the world and they have never given me any rest when it comes to my weight. So even though I have lost all this weight I heard the other day that the camera will add a whopping fifteen pounds and I just know that their tongues won’t stop wagging. Is there any hope for me?
Signed,
Almost Just Right
Dear Almost Just,
The camera will only add ten pounds.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com

A LETTER ABOUT LYING

2010-09-11T09:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Uncle TM,
I know that this may seem a little silly to you but this is something that has been bothering me for awhile. Every so often I hear people saying that someone is lying through their teeth. I can understand that you can pick up on the fact that someone is lying but, what if they don’t have any teeth anymore? The reason that I ask this is because of my Uncle Febus. Uncle Febus could never finish a sentence without stretching the truth. Everyone in the family was always saying that you shouldn’t take anything that he said as fact because he was always lying through his teeth. Well a few years ago he had all of his teeth pulled and since he lied to the dentist about paying him he never got any false teeth. Uncle TM as it turns out even though Uncle Febus lost his teeth it didn’t change him. He is still that lying no good that he always was but the problem is that everybody is still saying that he lies through something that is not even there. Should this be bothering me?
Signed,
Always Floss
Dear Always Floss,
It sounds like the whole family exaggerates.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com

A LETTER ABOUT THE FUTURE

2010-09-09T14:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Uncle TM,
I don’t know if I should be happy or sad. Ever since I was a little boy I have wondered how I was going to turn out in life. I know that is a really hard question for a teenager to get an answer to but I became obsessed with wanting to know. Finally, in desperation and I think to get me to shut up my parents enrolled me in a private school. My first days at Nostradamus High School were okay but they seemed to have an air about them like they knew how you were going to turn out but they wouldn’t tell you for some reason or the other. When I couldn’t take it anymore I broke into the Principal’s office and pulled out my file. Just as I started reading it the police came into the office and arrested me. Now I am in reform school and all I can remember from the file was that it said that I would end up in the slammer at an early age. Needless to say, the police came in and arrested me before I could read the second sentence. Uncle TM I don’t know who to turn to. Do you have any insight about my future?
Signed,
In The Jail House Now
Dear Jail House Now,
Yes, I do. I have examined writings from all over the world in an effort to find an answer for you. Fortunately among the documents I looked at I found something that I believe directly relates to you. From some early Mayan writings I can tell that something interesting will happen to you in 2012. Thanks for writing and keep some bird seed on your window sill.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com

A LETTER ABOUT BOXES

2010-09-06T12:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Uncle TM,
I have never been a real aggressive person. In fact I kind of sit in the background and pretty much go with the flow of things. Frankly, I don’t think, other than writing you, that I have ever thought outside the box. I have never ventured into any situation that I didn’t know exactly what the result was going to be. Uncle TM, I am sick of myself. I am tired of knowing just how many squirts of toothpaste are in each tube, what will happen if you stick your tongue into an electrical outlet or that if you step on a crack you will break your mother’s back. I’m desperate, how can I get out of this box before I go over the edge? Of course, if you don’t think it is a good idea I will stay right here.
Signed,
Wanting To Get Out
Dear Wanting To,
Contrary to some historical accounts, The Boxer Rebellion was not a political uprising in China between 1898 and 1901. The Boxer Rebellion is a repetitive revolt that is made up from a group of people like you who had thought inside the box all of their lives and had been led to believe that this was the only way to have a happy existence. The oppressors in this situation were actually people who thought outside the box but sincerely believed that without people in the box their lives would become the norm and consequently they would be in a new box and thinking like everyone else. As it turns out, they were right and each time enough people revolted and got out of the box a new box was formed around them and they became very uncool. So my advice to you is to stay in the box and just wait for enough people to jump out. Then by default you win!
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com

A LETTER ABOUT BLABBER

2010-07-16T09:32:00.001-07:00

Dear Uncle TM,
I have never been able to keep my mouth shut and to say the least it has caused me a world of hurt. I have tried just about everything that you can think of. One day I even put a piece of tape over my mouth but I couldn’t stop my tongue from licking through the tape so that I could tell the world just what I thought they needed to hear. I have thought about going to the doctor but I am afraid that he is going to diagnose me with Over Active Blabber. That is okay but I am afraid of the side effects from the drugs he might prescribe. Uncle TM do you know anything about OAB and what they do to treat it?
Signed,
Let Me Tell You
Dear Let Me Tell You,
Over Active Blabber has plagued families all over the country for hundreds of years. Normally people who suffer from the disease simply go into politics rather than seek treatment. Since we have a family member who suffered from OAB, I am aware of the side effects. Aunt Blabby was a wonderful person but you could hear her coming from a block away. She would go on and on and while initially her one sided conversation made sense, after about 30 minutes she became a blithering idiot. Finally the family decided to have an intervention and under strong verbal protest she was put on a regiment of strong anti blabber drugs. Let me tell you, that was the worse decision the family ever made. Aunt Blabby, since she couldn’t talk, she started to eat massive quantities of fast food. Within months we stopped calling her Aunt Blabby. She sadly became Aunt Flabby. So please learn from our mistake and run for office this fall.

A LETTER ABOUT COLLEGE DEGREES

2010-05-04T11:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Uncle TM,
I have always wanted to get some kind of college degree but I haven’t had the time or money to go through the process. Now since my invention of a unique devise to locate frogs in heavily wooded areas (Fred’s Frog Finder) I have the money to pursue a degree but I am still lacking in time. Uncle TM I don’t want to resort to some cheap paper mill school to get a degree but I have run out of options. Do you have any suggestions?
Signed,
Fred the Frog Finder
Dear Fred,
Obviously you are a man of refined action and I can tell by your letter that you are qualified to enter into Uncle TM’s doctorate program that has been formulated with the cooperation of Universidad de Andorra. Since the program is totally flexible and driven by monetary considerations, you will never claim that your degree was in any way cheap. In fact it has been said that the mere cost of the program gives it credibility. As a bonus feature you can add additional amounts of laude for additional consideration. The degree automatically comes with a magna cum laude designation but maxima and summa are available. Will you be paying by check or credit card? Also, let us know how to correctly spell your name. As a matter of school policy, all degrees are non-returnable.

When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com

A LETTER ABOUT COLD TURKEY

2010-04-17T08:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Uncle TM,
I have been trying to quit smoking for years and years and I know that everybody keeps saying that the only real way to quit is to quit cold turkey. Now I know that I will probably make another New Year’s resolution this year but in my heart I just know that I won’t be able to give up cold turkey especially when they use Grandma’s recipe for cold turkey salad. Uncle TM is their anyway I could stop smoking without giving up my turkey?
Signed,
Winston
Dear Winston,
I too had the same problem with smoking and turkey. I tried just about everything I could think of to get around giving up the turkey. I went to group hypnosis sessions, got addicted to stop smoking drugs and even tried smoking lettuce but none of that worked. Finally after a big Thanksgiving dinner I was trying to put the turkey scraps down the garbage disposal and the turkey clogged up all my drains and I had to spend a fortune on a plumber in the middle of Thanksgiving Day. Winston, that hit me so hard in the pocket book I gathered together the strength to never touch a turkey again. Within the week I was able to stop smoking and for that I can thank an overly plump Butterball. So take my word for it, if you give up cold turkey, you can quit those demon cigarettes (maybe).
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com

A LETTER ABOUT SENSELESS JOBS

2010-01-31T11:25:00.000-08:00

Dear Uncle TM,
I am so relieved and I just had to tell someone. I think that I have finally found a job for my brother in law. Yesterday when I was at the beauty shop I overheard a couple of the ladies talking and they were saying that the government was now hiring some senseless workers and they were going to pay them some pretty big bucks. I will tell you Uncle TM the first person that I thought of was my brother in law. He has always been down on his luck but I really think that 90% of it is his fault and he shouldn’t have married all those other women before he got around to my sister. Anyway Uncle TM do you know anything about this?
Signed,
Peggy Sue
Dear Peggy,
To a certain degree you are right. Our founding fathers knew that the popularity of any government worked in a cycle of about ten years. For example everything was OK with England in 1766 but by 1776, “Katie Bar The Door”! That being said, they knew that the best way to keep everybody happy was to provide some jobs counting the people (pork) every ten years and when the people calmed down, they could eliminate those jobs and use the money saved to build bridges over deer crossings. So Peggy in 2010, the cycle came around and like clockwork the jobs were created. However this time, in the spirit of transparency, the current administration decided to call the jobs senseless.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com

A LETTER ABOUT VILLIAGES

2009-12-19T07:04:00.000-08:00

A LETTER ABOUT LEATHER

2009-12-11T11:34:00.001-08:00

TO VIEW UNCLE TM VIDEOS GO TO http://www.sharptm.com

Dear Uncle TM,
Where are Genuines raised and what do they look like? I keep seeing these jackets and purses that say they are made with Genuine Leather but for the life of me I don’t know anything about them. I figure they must be a pretty big animal because a lot of those jackets are XXL and some even bigger. The other thing is that they must live in a fairly warm area of the world because the leather seems pretty slim unless they are slicing it up that way. The biggest part of my confusion is since the price on the stuff they are selling is so low there must be a bunch of them but like I said I have never seen them.
Signed,
Leather Face
Dear Leather Face,
Some people would try to get you to believe that Genuine Leather products are the leather that is left over after the top grade leather has been removed. While this may be true in some cases the majority of Genuine Leather comes from a secret Genuine ranch located in Arizona close to the Mexican border. The real Genuine is a cross between Javanese House Geckos, Indian House Lizards and the American Hare. Since the reproductive cycle of the Genuine is only 15 days, a new crop of the thin skinned, rather large cross-critter leather can hit the market twice a month. What do they look like? It is really best not to know. Inside sources have told me that pictures of the Genuine have been used to scare rodents and other pests to death.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com

A LETTER ABOUT NAMES

2009-12-01T07:27:00.000-08:00

Der Uncle Tm,
Mi Momma naemt me aftur the man dat delivert me. I went to schul and all. Made Momma prowd when they said I lernt spellin the best cuz I cud here the sounds so good. No won has evar ben willin to call me by mi ferst name and I don’t get it. What if no won called yu Uncle. Momma said the man were a geenyus!
Sincerly,
Doctor Hatfield
Dear Mr. Hatfield,
I am going to go out on a limb and assume that you are a single man. I don’t know why I feel that way but it just seems reasonable. Fortunately I receive letters everyday from desperate and forlorn mothers who would like for their daughter to marry a doctor. Few are very specific about the type so if you would like for me to pursue this on your behalf my fee is quite reasonable and I do accept trade.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com

A LETTER ABOUT LETTERS

2009-11-24T08:35:00.000-08:00

Dear Uncle TM,
I am so confused. All the time people are using letters to abbreviate a bunch of words like I know that Compact Disk is CD but I don’t have any idea what DVD means. My uncle used to get those DWI’s and MaMa told me that those letters stood for sin. Now the thing that has got me messed up today is GM. I have always thought that stood for General Motors but this guy the other day told me that it really meant Genetically Modified. So Uncle TM which one is it?
Signed,
Baffled
Dear Baffled,
They are called acronyms and both of the abbreviations for GM refer to the same company.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com

A LETTER ABOUT TOYS

2009-11-13T07:11:00.000-08:00

Dear Uncle TM,
I am not going to tell you my age but I have some toys on the shelf that are at least 50 years old. At this point I don’t play with them much, they are just something that I look at and think about that sand box we had that really wasn’t a sand box. By that I mean it was just an old tractor tire that Dad filled up with fresh sand about every six months because we had a bunch of cats and they had a bunch of friends. You are probably wondering where I am going with this but Uncle TM I know that the toys that I buy my grandchildren won’t last a month. Where has quality in our products gone? Why can’t we buy anything that lasts like my 50 year old truck?
Signed,
Heading Towards the Top of the Hill
Dear Hill Topper,
What you have discovered is a deep dark secret that has been unfolding over the last four decades. With the effective decrease in the size of the family, there has been a corresponding decrease in the need for toys that will last for more than a month. Earlier this year the government released figures that show that the size of the family has taken another dive. Consequently to save the jobs at the toy factories, the government has mandated that toys can not be manufactured that will last more than a week. So to help maintain and restore our economy you should refuse to buy any toy that even looks like it will last and if it does, throw it away.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com

A LETTER ABOUT PREDICTIONS

2009-10-26T12:40:00.000-07:00

Dear Uncle TM,
I just bought this new book that is making predictions about stuff that was going to happen last year. It is almost like reading an old newspaper because this guy has been able to see things just the way they happened. For example he was able to pick every one of the winners in the last election, he knew what happened to the stock market and he even predicted all of the earth quakes. On the cover of the book he claims to be Nostradamus’s great nephew but somehow in the back of my mind I am really wondering if he is a fraud. Uncle TM I could order the 2009 Prediction book that will come out next February for $24.95 but I was wondering what you thought?
Signed,
Waiting and Wondering
Dear Waiting and Wondering,
Uncle TM has just finished his latest book, “Has the World Ended Yet?” It is a comprehensive study that opens a new way to view the end of times. So often authors write endless volumes filled with pure speculation about that subject, while failing to realize that the entire subject can be consolidated into an eco-friendly one page book. Uncle TM sincerely believes that if you are willing to purchase the book you wrote him about, then you need his book as a companion. Send all relevant bank information to Uncle TM by return mail and he will be on the next train out.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com

A LETTER ABOUT BRAIN CELLS

2009-10-25T12:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Uncle TM,
I am getting really frustrated. All of my life my relatives have been telling me that if I had half a brain cell I would be able to figure things out. Now that I have come into some money since Aunt Harriet passed on I was thinking that if I could find one then I would be able to keep up with what is going on. Uncle TM I have been to just about every store in town asking them in a nice way if they had half a brain cell and for some reason they have thrown me out of just about every one of them. Is there anything that I can do?
Signed,
Hopeful Hannah
Dear Hopeful Hannah,
Obviously most of the sales clerks in your town do not know of the sophisticated research that had been done in the splitting of brain cells. While they are still working on it, there is still hope that in a short time through the use of brain accelerators they will be able isolate the cells and then, in turn, split them. Billions and billions of dollars have been spent on the project with the assistance of the Brain Stimulus Bill signed into law earlier this year. Since Congress has reserved the first 535 half cells I do suggest that you write your congressman and ask him to reserve one from the second batch for you.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com

A LETTER ABOUT LONG AND SHORT STORIES

2009-10-14T07:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Uncle TM.
I have this really big, tremendous, and huge problem. I make every short story really, really long. The other day I simply went to the convenience store down the street to buy a soft drink. You know the one that is at the end of the block that has that big blue sign that says 3 soft drinks for a dollar. Since I only wanted one they had to do some arithmetic to figure out how much I owed them. The trip only took me ten minutes but when I got home and tried to tell my husband about the trip it took me a good thirty minutes to tell him about it. I just couldn’t stop. I would add all sorts of side notes that when I look back really didn’t matter but they seemed important at the time. Like the lady who was behind the counter. I know that she had just gotten her hair done and I bet it was at that little shop over in the snob nose section of town. I really can’t see why she would go there considering that she didn’t have the sense of common decency not to wear white shoes after Labor Day. My grandmother was very fickle about that. In fact she would have my grandfather put all of her white items in the safe upstairs so that she could not get to them and run the risk of Myrtle Upshaw. That women could talk your leg off but she knew what was right in the fashion world even though we lived in the this really small town that only had one road in and one road out. Oh no, I am doing it again, Uncle TM is there anything that I can do to end this madness?
Signed,
Loose Lips
Dear Loose Lips,
Rather than look at your tendency to make that which is short long, look at it as an asset. Every two years there are a multitude of job openings at almost every level of government. Those with the greatest ability to keep the audience awake for the longest period of time while saying the least usually win the job. In fact all you really need to do is to get one good short story, make is really long and repeat it over and over until the election (job selection) day. Of course I know that you are wondering what in the world you will do when the election is over and you take office. Simple, do the same thing that got you elected!
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com

A LETTER FROM SOMEONE DOWN IN THE DUMPS

2009-10-09T14:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Uncle TM,
I am so tired of being such a loser. I just can’t seem to get any respect from my family and every time I open my mouth and try to make some kind of prophetic remark, they all laugh and seem to know that it is going to turn out the other way. Even with elections, it seems that when I select a candidate who is way ahead in the polls and I open my mouth saying that I think that he will win, you can almost bet that his future is doomed. Uncle TM how can I be a winner and get the respect of at least some of the members of my family?
Signed,
Down in the Dumps
Dear Down in the Dumps,
I am going to reveal to you a secret that I have used time and time again with the greatest of success. The only requirement is that you keep this strictly between the two of us. Okay?
The next time there is an election I want you to pick a contest. It doesn’t matter which one that it is but I want you to completely keep your mouth shut about it. Walk away from any conversation concerning it. Now about one week before the election I want you to send yourself two letters from two different post offices. In one of the letters I want you to say something like, “I predict that Candidate A will win the election”. In the other letter make the same prediction about Candidate B. Then on election night after the results have been announced pull out the letter that shows you to be the most politically astute guy on the block. This technique has worked well for me in every election except the one with Truman and Dewey.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com

A LETTER ABOUT SCHOOLS

2009-10-04T08:42:00.001-07:00

Dear Uncle TM,
I am completely convinced that our schools have reached a new low. The other day my daughter came in from school and she said that they had started writing in cursing. I don’t know about the rest of the people but cursing is something that should be left at home and for this household we don’t allow it at all. When I went to school they sure didn’t let us curse but now they are teaching the kids how to do it! Uncle TM I have thought about going up to the principal’s office and setting him straight but I am afraid of what I might say. Can you offer me any help on this?
Signed,
Sue’s Mommy
Dear Sue’s Mommy,
Your letter speaks volumes about our school system. Obviously, the ripple effect of one little act can be devastating. Since there are many alternatives for educating your daughter I think she will be able to overcome her base problem but I don’t think you should consider home schooling for Sue.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. In it you will find that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com

A LETTER ABOUT CZARS

2009-09-27T06:59:00.001-07:00

Dear Uncle TM,
Early this morning I woke up in a cold, cold sweat. I had just had a terrible dream about a movie that was called, “Czarzilla”. It was about an appointed government official who had gone mad and was marching through Washington and covering all the buildings with zillions and zillions of dollars. Bureaucrats were dropping like flies because with all the money thrown on top of them they just couldn’t breathe or take off work right at 5 o’clock. Just before I woke up Uncle TM, the printing office at the Treasury Department had just caught on fire because of overheated printing presses. Wow, I hope I never have another one like that one.
Signed,
Teetotaler
Dear Teetotaler,
You have nothing to fear. You simply fell asleep while watching the news.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. In it you will find that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com

A LETTER ABOUT MUTE CONTROL BUTTONS

2009-09-21T08:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Uncle TM,
I just don’t know how it happened and I am really afraid to admit this to my wife but the other night we were watching TV and I guess I was rambling on and on about something. Without any warning she picked up the remote control, pointed it at me and pressed the mute button. Uncle TM I don’t know what came over me but I couldn’t get another word to come out of my mouth. So I just sat there in complete silence until she left the room. After she was gone I retrieved the remote and as an experiment when she came back in the room I secretly pointed it at her and pushed the mute button but nothing happened. What is going on?
Signed,
Silent Papa
Dear Silent Papa,
You have been a victim of an international secret women’s conspiracy designed to silence all men and take over the decision making process that has kept our world with absolute peace and security for centuries. I believe that she purchased the controller thru the mail. It is being sold under the code name MM which stands for Male Muter. Get that device of destruction and division out of your house and just hope she didn’t take advantage of their clever buy one get one free offer.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. In it you will find that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com

A LETTER FROM A BUS DRIVER

2009-09-18T11:10:00.001-07:00

Dear Uncle TM,
I am a tour bus driver in Washington, D.C. I have been doing this for years and I really enjoy my job especially when I watch the reactions of people when I drive by the Capital Building, the Monuments and the White House. The problem is that over the past few months I have been having what must be visions or I am loosing my mind. I see these guys dressed in black suits and wearing sunglasses run up to the side of my bus. It looks like they are carrying a body. Then as I see them running away I hear a thump, thump but when I look into my rear view mirror there is nothing there. I guess what ever they had disappeared into thin air or this is all in my head. Uncle TM have I gone over the edge?
Signed,
Driver
Dear Driver,
No you haven’t gone over the edge. Being in Washington you have had the opportunity to literally watch our government at work and as a concerned citizen you should volunteer to put in a few extra hours driving your bus around so that a few more embarrassments can be eliminated.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. In it you will find that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com

A LETTER ABOUT DUCKS

2009-09-16T16:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Uncle TM,
Let me say from the very beginning of this letter, I Love Ducks. I think they are the most beautiful creatures on earth. They can walk, talk, swim and fly. They have been about the best spokesman for any company around. They motivate people to fly south when it gets really cold. If you are wondering about where I am going with this I will tell you now. About every other day I hear my mother saying that Aunt Blanche is an odd duck. First, I don’t believe that there are any odd ducks and second, Aunt Blanche is about the scariest person you will ever see and Uncle TM to compare her to my fine feathered friends is an insult to their good name. What can I do to solve this problem?
Signed,
Quack Lover
Dear Quack,
I don’t know how I can thank you. My Uncle Donald Drake has always talked about a little sister that was lost in a terrible snow storm many years ago. We just assumed that he was talking through those strong spirits he has consumed for decades. However, with the assistance of our local police missing persons department and their ability to determine matching similarities between siblings it has been determined that your Aunt Blanche is actually Daisy Drake the long lost sister. I will be waddling over to tell the Drakes the good news as soon as I put my quill down.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. In it you will find that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com

A LETTER ABOUT BUYING FURNITURE

2009-09-15T14:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Uncle TM,
We have been trying to get some nice furniture for our house but with our limited funds we are only able to buy one thing at a time. Anyway I had put aside enough to make our next purchase so I went down to this new furniture store that had been advertising all over Television. After I walked in, what looked like a nice young man came up to me and asked how he could help me. Without a thought I told what I really wanted was one night stand. I know what I said but he apparently thought I meant something else because he almost immediately started hitting on me. Uncle TM being a married woman, I got so mad I walked out of the store and I don’t think I will ever go back.
Signed,
Miffed in Michigan
Dear Miffed,
You can’t be too careful in a furniture store. I have found that they are often filled with lazy boys just sitting on the floor waiting to take advantage of the next person with some money.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. In it you will find that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com

A LETTER ABOUT MILK

2009-09-11T08:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Uncle TM,
I don’t know if I have ever been more confused. I was watching this news program this morning and they had this dairy farmer guy on there talking about his business and all the long hours that he has to put in. Then he said something that nearly blew me away. Standing right there with the reporter he said that since he had been in the dairy business so long he had milk in his veins. Uncle TM I have seen red blood, heard of blue blood but for the life of me I have never heard of milk blood. Can you help me out on this?
Signed,
Wanting to know
Dear Wanting to know,
I guess you are not aware that every human being has his share of white blood cells. Now until I received your letter I didn’t have any idea where they came from. Of course what you have done is open a bag of worms because I have also heard of so many things that are in people’s blood that it really makes me wonder how we ever find the right matches for transfusions. Thanks a lot.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. In it you will find that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com

A LETTER ABOUT A STOMACH AND EYES

2009-09-02T08:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Uncle TM,
For all my life I have thought that people were really going nuts when they would say that my eyes were bigger than my stomach. Well apparently I didn’t listen them because as the years went by my stomach just grew and grew. It got to the point that there weren’t enough X’s on the size chart. Well anyway I finally went to this heavy weight doctor and he did what they call a gastric bypass on me and now even though I am getting into my out of style clothes another big problem has come up. Uncle TM every time I look at the little balls of food that I eat all I can see are eyeballs staring at me and they are bigger than my stomach. Because of that I am having trouble eating anything. Is there anything that I can do?
Signed,
Winky
Dear Winky,
We are what we eat.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. In it you will find that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com

A LETTER ABOUT GOVERNMENT SPENDING

2009-08-28T11:36:00.001-07:00

Dear Uncle TM,
Since I know the government is looking for ways to save money in order to spend money on other things, I got to thinking. From everything that I read the average reading level for people in this country is just about the eighth grade. For some it is more and for others it is less. Anyway Uncle TM I figure that most of the money we spend for grades 9 through 12 is wasted because if they aren’t going to be able to understand it why should we keep on trying to feed it to them? It is like leading a horse to water and trying to make it drink when it doesn’t want to. Anyway it was just a thought.
Signed,
Anna Conda

Dear Anna,
I can tell that you are thinking outside the box but the bitter truth is that you need to crawl back inside the box. First, it is true that you would “save” money on education but all of the high school teachers would have to get government assistance or get a grant to go back to school. Second, America’s weight problem would explode because all of the idle teenagers would demand more and more fast food. And finally, while it is true that the reading level does average out at the 8th grade, it takes our system 12 years to get it up to 8. Sorry.

When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM at http://uncletm.blogspot.com for comprehensive and compassionate advice. If you want to enjoy lignt, humorous reading check out Uncle TM’s book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate” at www.uncletm.com.

A LETTER ABOUT AGE OLD OLDER AGE

2009-08-24T10:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Uncle TM,
My husband and I are what they call first time home buyers so we are fairly new to the housing game. Anyway we picked up several of those real estate magazines and started watching one of those shows where they roll through all the houses in the area. What struck me as odd was that I would see any number of agents that looked like they had just gotten out of high school yet under their picture they were saying that they had over 30 years experience in the business. Uncle TM do they know some kind of youth formula that I am not aware of and if they do wouldn’t they make more money selling that stuff instead of real estate?
Signed,
Renting but looking
Dear Renting but looking,
Advertising is like hair. As you may recall in your high school science courses, the shaft of the hair on your head is dead. That is why it doesn’t hurt when you cut it. Yet at the same time when you watch TV you are told that what you really need is a healthy head of hair. So you are probably wondering, how can you be healthy and dead at the same time? The answer is that with the right conditioning and a little photo shop even a well seasoned professional can look like a spring chicken with a “healthy” head of deceased hair.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. In it you will find that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com

A LETTER ABOUT PRD

2009-08-21T06:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Uncle TM,
I suffer from PRD which is commonly known as Pack Rat Disorder. It seems that I just can’t bring myself to get rid of things. I have literally made my husband build a bigger house just to satisfy my disorder. It is so bad Uncle TM that when I bring myself to throw something away I find myself out at the trash can within an hour getting it back. Last week I tried to cancel my trash service but the city wouldn’t let me without also cutting off my water. This has gotten really depressing because we don’t walk through our house, we crawl over it.
Signed,
PRDer
Dear PRDer,
I think you really need to look on the positive side of things because often times the good out weighs the bad. For example, just last week the President of the United States basically said that if you look at Fed Ex and UPS, they are doing alright but then the Post Office is another story. By that example we can see that two positives can overcome one negative. In your situation with the PRD, you have to think of the good that you are doing by helping a builder and any relative who visits you won’t have to stay very long. The only negative I can see is all the money you wasted on that new vacuum.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. In it you will find that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com

A LETTER ABOUT PLEASING EVERYBODY

2009-08-19T08:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Uncle TM,
I think we need to come up with a way to please everybody or at least the people who are having trouble today with the way the economy is. I have thought and thought and I know that all the guys in Washington are thinking all the time for a way to make everybody happy but no one has come up with a solution. Uncle TM do you have any ideas?
Signed,
Concerned Citizen
Dear Concerned Citizen,
The way to please everyone is really quite simple. All we need to do is to print our currency on smaller pieces of paper. First, this will allow the government to print more money at a lower printing cost. Second, by printing more money more people will be able to get their economic stimulus. Third, it will please the environmentalists who are concerned about the trees. Fourth, it will provide jobs by the need to remake and install all of the change machines in the country. Fifth, it will save on energy because all of the old money could be burned to generate electricity. See wasn’t that simple?
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. In it you will find that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com

A LETTER ABOUT VISION

2009-08-17T07:09:00.001-07:00

Dear Uncle TM,
I have always been able to see very well. In fact, you might say that I have super vision and I can sure see a lot better than my mother. The other day when she was talking to my Aunt Looney (that is not her real name but that is how she acts most of the time) she said that all I needed was a little super vision. Uncle TM, where is she coming from? You would think that if she knows anyone, she would know me.
Signed,
Almost Thirteen
Dear Almost Thirteen,
You have to realize that your mother is much older than you and that she suffers from what has been called “The Reverse Knowledge Bell Curve”. By that I mean from the day you were born her general knowledge started to decrease and unfortunately it will continue for a few more years before it bottoms out. Then slowly she will start to regain knowledge until she is barely back to your level of knowledge and understanding. Good luck on your super vision. I heard that they are expecting some job openings soon on 20/20.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. In it you will find that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com

A LETTER ABOUT LIARS

2009-08-15T09:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Uncle TM,
People are such big liars. They are always saying things like they are going the run to the bathroom, run to the store or run over to a neighbors. Then when you watch them the last thing that they even really thought of doing was running anywhere. I wish we were back in the days when the truth meant something. Uncle TM is there anything that I can do to get over my obsession against big liars?
Signed,
Polly Anna
Dear Polly Anna,
When I was a little boy my father in his desire to rid me of my fear of swimming taught me that if you can overcome the gunny sack that surrounds you, you can then learn to swim among the sharks of life. For that reason Polly I am urging you to stop walking around the problems that are facing our nation and truly run for office. When you win, and I am sure that you will, you will be able to confront some of the really big liars and be able to put them into the liars den of sin.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. In it you will find that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to

A LETTER ABOUT MONEY

2009-07-25T08:04:00.000-07:00

Dear Uncle TM,
Most of my life I have been wasting money. I think that it goes back to when I was a kid and when I would use more paper towels than I should my Dad would tell my Mom that I was a “Conspicuous Consumer”. I really didn’t know what that meant but from that time on I would spend everything that I had and more. Uncle TM it sent me down the road to ruin. Is there anything I can do or am I destined to become a permanent resident of the Poorest House?
Signed,
Buck
Dear Buck,
You are in luck! The new administration has sponsored a bill called The Wasted Money Recovery Act. All you have to do to get all that money back is to show that it really wasn’t your fault and how much you have washed down the drain plus interest. My legal experts tell me that your letter will suffice as sufficient evidence that you wanted to be a responsible citizen but that your Dad was really to blame for your overzealous spending. I am also told that it is recognized that many people have a difficult time with recovery. For that reason, if you fall off the wagon and waste your new found wealth, you can reapply for a new stimulus.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. In it you will find that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com

A LETTER ABOUT HAIR

2009-07-17T15:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Uncle TM,
I really think that someone is breaking into my house and using my hair brush. Every morning when I open the drawer to get it out to brush my hair after I shower there is a bunch of grey hair in it. I know that my wife isn’t using it because she has put that color stuff on her hair for years and years and years. Uncle TM do you think I should set up one of those security cameras so I can find out who would sink so low to break into a house and use another man’s hair brush?
Signed,
Hair of the Dog
Dear Hair of the Dog,
I understand your fear but I think you should look more kindly upon that unfortunate soul who can’t afford a brush of his own. First you need to tell your wife about the burglaries and then tell her that you feel that the right thing to do would be to put a dollar bill underneath your brush each morning. I think that not only will you find the dollar bill gone the next time you brush your hair, you will feel good about helping out someone in need.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. In it you will find that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com

A LETTER ABOUT NOSES

2009-07-04T08:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Uncle TM,
I don’t know about you but sometimes when I am out in public I have an overwhelming need to pick my nose. Anyway after a lot of thought I have come up with a really nifty tool that I am going to call Herb’s Nose Pick. You can use this device when you are out with people or if you want to it works just fine at home. You can clip it to your shirt pocket or the ladies could carry it in their purse. The only problem Uncle TM is that I can’t seem to come up with a slogan, something that will catch people’s attention. Can you help me on this?
Signed,
Herb
Dear Herb,
How about, “Got Snot”?
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. In it you will find that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com

A LETTER ABOUT BLOND ROOTS

2009-06-30T19:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Uncle TM,
I am really tired of being a blond but I am afraid that if I don’t get rid of my blond roots all the hair color in the world won’t change me. I know that a dentist can do root canals so is there someone who can help me get rid of my blond roots?
Signed,
Root’in and Toot’in
Dear Root and Toot,
I’m afraid that I have some really bad news for you. I checked with a tree stump removal company and they confirmed my belief that blond roots are similar to tree roots. By that I mean, both run deep and provide the life blood that forms the essence of the being. Consequently, getting rid of them can only be accomplished by serious plucking or in tree stump terms, pulling them out. You will have to be extremely diligent otherwise in just a few weeks your head will be covered with little blond seedlings.

A LETTER ABOUT SMOK’IN

2009-06-28T12:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Uncle TM,
My wife and I were watching some old movies the other night and memories of my life started coming back and it almost overwhelmed me. The big thing that I noticed was all of the really sophisticated men were smoking and I got to thinking that I would really like to take it up again. The only problem that I can see is that I remember how difficult it was for me to get started and I can only imagine that since I haven’t smoked in almost a decade it might be hard again. So Uncle TM I was wondering if I started off with those nicotine patches except in reverse would it make my reentry into the sophisticated world easier?
Signed,
Smok’in Joe
Dear Smok’in Joe,
Being sophisticated in this dog eat dog world is really difficult. Rather than spending a bunch of money on nicotine patches I think you would be better off going back into the same closet that you smoked in for all those years after you told your wife that you had quit. Start off slow but I assure you that it is almost like learning to swim after you got out of the sack your daddy put you in – you never really forget.