Dear Uncle TM,
I know you have probably heard this story before but I grew up in a really poor family. We were so poor that Mama, over the years, created a basement for us because of her obsession to sweep the dirt floors until she felt they were clean. As a boy I had always wanted some kind of pet and one weekend my Daddy worked overtime as a band tester at the rubber band factory so that he could buy me my own pet. That Saturday night when he came home and opened up his lunch pale out flew a pet fly that he told me he had bought from a close friend of his at the tavern he would stop by at on his way home so he could help pack lunches for the widows and orphans. Anyway, I named my fly Buzz and we would spend hours and hours together. He didn’t eat much but I had to keep him out of Mama’s sight because she was real funny about him. On day my best friend Mo came over to play with me after school and when he threw his books down on the table Buzz was not able to get out of the way in time. I can’t tell you Uncle TM how much my heart was broken and even though that happened so many years ago I have not been able to own any kind of pet because the little boy who is still in me cries himself to sleep every night. Can you help me?
Signed,
Little Big Man
Dear Little Big Man,
I think the only solution for your problem is to find another pet. However, I feel that it is quite important to find one that can not be smashed. To assist me in advising you I decided to visit one of my favorite professors at the State College. After I had discussed the problem with him he told me that the last thing he wanted you to have was a pet that could accidently meet his demise like Buzz. He took me over to the SAM (Smashed Animal Morgue) on the campus and I could see all types of animals that could be ruled out. However, the one thing I didn’t see there was an Elephant. Now I know that he might eat a bit more than Buzz did but I have never heard of a smashed Elephant. Besides I have heard that Elephants can fly – look at the last election.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com
