A LETTER FROM A DESPERATE BUSINESS
Dear Uncle TM,
After years and years of hard work I have finally had an idea that will make me a millionaire! I have had it patented so I don’t mind telling you about it and I know that will kick yourself for not thinking of it first. What I have developed is a technique that attaches two toilet paper rolls together and it makes them into a set of binoculars. The beauty of the plan is that the materials cost virtually nothing and I know that they will be perfect for the Christmas shopping season. After I had developed and patented the idea I realized that I would need to set up a manufacturing facility to handle all of the orders. To solve that problem I made an appearance on one of those TV shows where zillionaires decide whether to back you on a business deal or not. I wasn’t really surprised when every one of them wanted in on the deal and they gave me a bunch of money to set up shop. I hired the best Industrial Engineer I could find to design the manufacturing facility and a few days ago, after hiring an assembly line production crew, I ran into a problem that may very well shatter my dreams. Uncle TM the toilet paper manufactures have changed the size of the roll by making it a good half inch shorter. I have spent all the money the zillionaires have given me so I can’t afford to rebuild or retool the factory. Do you have any suggestions because I am afraid that my business is going to go down the toilet?
Signed,
My Ship Came In
Dear My Ship Came In,
You did not mention in your letter where you planned to come up with all the toilet paper rolls. I only hope that you were looking to sources outside of your immediate family. However, let me address your problem. It is true that the toilet paper manufacturers have reduced the actual size of the roll while maintaining the appearance of the old rolls. They were in deep financial trouble and had to come up with some way to cover their tails. That being said, I do have a solution for your problem. Stacked on my desk are letters from individuals who are suffering from OCTPRRD (Obsessive Compulsive Toilet Paper Roll Retention Disorder). Their problem has caused them to build an almost unbelievable inventory of toilet paper rolls in the old size. While they refuse to throw them away, I know that they will be more than willing to give them away. In fact I have taken the liberty to communicate with all of them and I am sure that the rolls will be arriving at your factory in short order and you will be able to complete your Christmas orders and be left with enough money to retool your facility.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Saturday, November 20, 2010
A LETTER ABOUT A PET FLY
Dear Uncle TM,
I know you have probably heard this story before but I grew up in a really poor family. We were so poor that Mama, over the years, created a basement for us because of her obsession to sweep the dirt floors until she felt they were clean. As a boy I had always wanted some kind of pet and one weekend my Daddy worked overtime as a band tester at the rubber band factory so that he could buy me my own pet. That Saturday night when he came home and opened up his lunch pale out flew a pet fly that he told me he had bought from a close friend of his at the tavern he would stop by at on his way home so he could help pack lunches for the widows and orphans. Anyway, I named my fly Buzz and we would spend hours and hours together. He didn’t eat much but I had to keep him out of Mama’s sight because she was real funny about him. On day my best friend Mo came over to play with me after school and when he threw his books down on the table Buzz was not able to get out of the way in time. I can’t tell you Uncle TM how much my heart was broken and even though that happened so many years ago I have not been able to own any kind of pet because the little boy who is still in me cries himself to sleep every night. Can you help me?
Signed,
Little Big Man
Dear Little Big Man,
I think the only solution for your problem is to find another pet. However, I feel that it is quite important to find one that can not be smashed. To assist me in advising you I decided to visit one of my favorite professors at the State College. After I had discussed the problem with him he told me that the last thing he wanted you to have was a pet that could accidently meet his demise like Buzz. He took me over to the SAM (Smashed Animal Morgue) on the campus and I could see all types of animals that could be ruled out. However, the one thing I didn’t see there was an Elephant. Now I know that he might eat a bit more than Buzz did but I have never heard of a smashed Elephant. Besides I have heard that Elephants can fly – look at the last election.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com
I know you have probably heard this story before but I grew up in a really poor family. We were so poor that Mama, over the years, created a basement for us because of her obsession to sweep the dirt floors until she felt they were clean. As a boy I had always wanted some kind of pet and one weekend my Daddy worked overtime as a band tester at the rubber band factory so that he could buy me my own pet. That Saturday night when he came home and opened up his lunch pale out flew a pet fly that he told me he had bought from a close friend of his at the tavern he would stop by at on his way home so he could help pack lunches for the widows and orphans. Anyway, I named my fly Buzz and we would spend hours and hours together. He didn’t eat much but I had to keep him out of Mama’s sight because she was real funny about him. On day my best friend Mo came over to play with me after school and when he threw his books down on the table Buzz was not able to get out of the way in time. I can’t tell you Uncle TM how much my heart was broken and even though that happened so many years ago I have not been able to own any kind of pet because the little boy who is still in me cries himself to sleep every night. Can you help me?
Signed,
Little Big Man
Dear Little Big Man,
I think the only solution for your problem is to find another pet. However, I feel that it is quite important to find one that can not be smashed. To assist me in advising you I decided to visit one of my favorite professors at the State College. After I had discussed the problem with him he told me that the last thing he wanted you to have was a pet that could accidently meet his demise like Buzz. He took me over to the SAM (Smashed Animal Morgue) on the campus and I could see all types of animals that could be ruled out. However, the one thing I didn’t see there was an Elephant. Now I know that he might eat a bit more than Buzz did but I have never heard of a smashed Elephant. Besides I have heard that Elephants can fly – look at the last election.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com
Saturday, September 18, 2010
A LETTER ABOUT WEIGHT
Dear Uncle TM,
I know it is going to be hard for you to understand what I have been going through but I am still going to try. For years I have been trying to loose some weight and it seemed that every diet I tried didn’t work. In fact on some of them I would put on a few more pounds. Finally I found one that worked and even though it took me over a year to get down to a pretty good looking size I am now faced with an even heavier problem. My husband wants to get a family portrait taken and then he wants to send it to every relative that he can think of. While that might seem okay to just about anyone else you have to understand Uncle TM that my relatives are probably the most critical people in the world and they have never given me any rest when it comes to my weight. So even though I have lost all this weight I heard the other day that the camera will add a whopping fifteen pounds and I just know that their tongues won’t stop wagging. Is there any hope for me?
Signed,
Almost Just Right
Dear Almost Just,
The camera will only add ten pounds.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com
I know it is going to be hard for you to understand what I have been going through but I am still going to try. For years I have been trying to loose some weight and it seemed that every diet I tried didn’t work. In fact on some of them I would put on a few more pounds. Finally I found one that worked and even though it took me over a year to get down to a pretty good looking size I am now faced with an even heavier problem. My husband wants to get a family portrait taken and then he wants to send it to every relative that he can think of. While that might seem okay to just about anyone else you have to understand Uncle TM that my relatives are probably the most critical people in the world and they have never given me any rest when it comes to my weight. So even though I have lost all this weight I heard the other day that the camera will add a whopping fifteen pounds and I just know that their tongues won’t stop wagging. Is there any hope for me?
Signed,
Almost Just Right
Dear Almost Just,
The camera will only add ten pounds.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com
Saturday, September 11, 2010
A LETTER ABOUT LYING
Dear Uncle TM,
I know that this may seem a little silly to you but this is something that has been bothering me for awhile. Every so often I hear people saying that someone is lying through their teeth. I can understand that you can pick up on the fact that someone is lying but, what if they don’t have any teeth anymore? The reason that I ask this is because of my Uncle Febus. Uncle Febus could never finish a sentence without stretching the truth. Everyone in the family was always saying that you shouldn’t take anything that he said as fact because he was always lying through his teeth. Well a few years ago he had all of his teeth pulled and since he lied to the dentist about paying him he never got any false teeth. Uncle TM as it turns out even though Uncle Febus lost his teeth it didn’t change him. He is still that lying no good that he always was but the problem is that everybody is still saying that he lies through something that is not even there. Should this be bothering me?
Signed,
Always Floss
Dear Always Floss,
It sounds like the whole family exaggerates.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com
I know that this may seem a little silly to you but this is something that has been bothering me for awhile. Every so often I hear people saying that someone is lying through their teeth. I can understand that you can pick up on the fact that someone is lying but, what if they don’t have any teeth anymore? The reason that I ask this is because of my Uncle Febus. Uncle Febus could never finish a sentence without stretching the truth. Everyone in the family was always saying that you shouldn’t take anything that he said as fact because he was always lying through his teeth. Well a few years ago he had all of his teeth pulled and since he lied to the dentist about paying him he never got any false teeth. Uncle TM as it turns out even though Uncle Febus lost his teeth it didn’t change him. He is still that lying no good that he always was but the problem is that everybody is still saying that he lies through something that is not even there. Should this be bothering me?
Signed,
Always Floss
Dear Always Floss,
It sounds like the whole family exaggerates.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com
Thursday, September 9, 2010
A LETTER ABOUT THE FUTURE
Dear Uncle TM,
I don’t know if I should be happy or sad. Ever since I was a little boy I have wondered how I was going to turn out in life. I know that is a really hard question for a teenager to get an answer to but I became obsessed with wanting to know. Finally, in desperation and I think to get me to shut up my parents enrolled me in a private school. My first days at Nostradamus High School were okay but they seemed to have an air about them like they knew how you were going to turn out but they wouldn’t tell you for some reason or the other. When I couldn’t take it anymore I broke into the Principal’s office and pulled out my file. Just as I started reading it the police came into the office and arrested me. Now I am in reform school and all I can remember from the file was that it said that I would end up in the slammer at an early age. Needless to say, the police came in and arrested me before I could read the second sentence. Uncle TM I don’t know who to turn to. Do you have any insight about my future?
Signed,
In The Jail House Now
Dear Jail House Now,
Yes, I do. I have examined writings from all over the world in an effort to find an answer for you. Fortunately among the documents I looked at I found something that I believe directly relates to you. From some early Mayan writings I can tell that something interesting will happen to you in 2012. Thanks for writing and keep some bird seed on your window sill.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com
I don’t know if I should be happy or sad. Ever since I was a little boy I have wondered how I was going to turn out in life. I know that is a really hard question for a teenager to get an answer to but I became obsessed with wanting to know. Finally, in desperation and I think to get me to shut up my parents enrolled me in a private school. My first days at Nostradamus High School were okay but they seemed to have an air about them like they knew how you were going to turn out but they wouldn’t tell you for some reason or the other. When I couldn’t take it anymore I broke into the Principal’s office and pulled out my file. Just as I started reading it the police came into the office and arrested me. Now I am in reform school and all I can remember from the file was that it said that I would end up in the slammer at an early age. Needless to say, the police came in and arrested me before I could read the second sentence. Uncle TM I don’t know who to turn to. Do you have any insight about my future?
Signed,
In The Jail House Now
Dear Jail House Now,
Yes, I do. I have examined writings from all over the world in an effort to find an answer for you. Fortunately among the documents I looked at I found something that I believe directly relates to you. From some early Mayan writings I can tell that something interesting will happen to you in 2012. Thanks for writing and keep some bird seed on your window sill.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com
Monday, September 6, 2010
A LETTER ABOUT BOXES
Dear Uncle TM,
I have never been a real aggressive person. In fact I kind of sit in the background and pretty much go with the flow of things. Frankly, I don’t think, other than writing you, that I have ever thought outside the box. I have never ventured into any situation that I didn’t know exactly what the result was going to be. Uncle TM, I am sick of myself. I am tired of knowing just how many squirts of toothpaste are in each tube, what will happen if you stick your tongue into an electrical outlet or that if you step on a crack you will break your mother’s back. I’m desperate, how can I get out of this box before I go over the edge? Of course, if you don’t think it is a good idea I will stay right here.
Signed,
Wanting To Get Out
Dear Wanting To,
Contrary to some historical accounts, The Boxer Rebellion was not a political uprising in China between 1898 and 1901. The Boxer Rebellion is a repetitive revolt that is made up from a group of people like you who had thought inside the box all of their lives and had been led to believe that this was the only way to have a happy existence. The oppressors in this situation were actually people who thought outside the box but sincerely believed that without people in the box their lives would become the norm and consequently they would be in a new box and thinking like everyone else. As it turns out, they were right and each time enough people revolted and got out of the box a new box was formed around them and they became very uncool. So my advice to you is to stay in the box and just wait for enough people to jump out. Then by default you win!
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com
I have never been a real aggressive person. In fact I kind of sit in the background and pretty much go with the flow of things. Frankly, I don’t think, other than writing you, that I have ever thought outside the box. I have never ventured into any situation that I didn’t know exactly what the result was going to be. Uncle TM, I am sick of myself. I am tired of knowing just how many squirts of toothpaste are in each tube, what will happen if you stick your tongue into an electrical outlet or that if you step on a crack you will break your mother’s back. I’m desperate, how can I get out of this box before I go over the edge? Of course, if you don’t think it is a good idea I will stay right here.
Signed,
Wanting To Get Out
Dear Wanting To,
Contrary to some historical accounts, The Boxer Rebellion was not a political uprising in China between 1898 and 1901. The Boxer Rebellion is a repetitive revolt that is made up from a group of people like you who had thought inside the box all of their lives and had been led to believe that this was the only way to have a happy existence. The oppressors in this situation were actually people who thought outside the box but sincerely believed that without people in the box their lives would become the norm and consequently they would be in a new box and thinking like everyone else. As it turns out, they were right and each time enough people revolted and got out of the box a new box was formed around them and they became very uncool. So my advice to you is to stay in the box and just wait for enough people to jump out. Then by default you win!
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com
Friday, July 16, 2010
A LETTER ABOUT BLABBER
Dear Uncle TM,
I have never been able to keep my mouth shut and to say the least it has caused me a world of hurt. I have tried just about everything that you can think of. One day I even put a piece of tape over my mouth but I couldn’t stop my tongue from licking through the tape so that I could tell the world just what I thought they needed to hear. I have thought about going to the doctor but I am afraid that he is going to diagnose me with Over Active Blabber. That is okay but I am afraid of the side effects from the drugs he might prescribe. Uncle TM do you know anything about OAB and what they do to treat it?
Signed,
Let Me Tell You
Dear Let Me Tell You,
Over Active Blabber has plagued families all over the country for hundreds of years. Normally people who suffer from the disease simply go into politics rather than seek treatment. Since we have a family member who suffered from OAB, I am aware of the side effects. Aunt Blabby was a wonderful person but you could hear her coming from a block away. She would go on and on and while initially her one sided conversation made sense, after about 30 minutes she became a blithering idiot. Finally the family decided to have an intervention and under strong verbal protest she was put on a regiment of strong anti blabber drugs. Let me tell you, that was the worse decision the family ever made. Aunt Blabby, since she couldn’t talk, she started to eat massive quantities of fast food. Within months we stopped calling her Aunt Blabby. She sadly became Aunt Flabby. So please learn from our mistake and run for office this fall.
I have never been able to keep my mouth shut and to say the least it has caused me a world of hurt. I have tried just about everything that you can think of. One day I even put a piece of tape over my mouth but I couldn’t stop my tongue from licking through the tape so that I could tell the world just what I thought they needed to hear. I have thought about going to the doctor but I am afraid that he is going to diagnose me with Over Active Blabber. That is okay but I am afraid of the side effects from the drugs he might prescribe. Uncle TM do you know anything about OAB and what they do to treat it?
Signed,
Let Me Tell You
Dear Let Me Tell You,
Over Active Blabber has plagued families all over the country for hundreds of years. Normally people who suffer from the disease simply go into politics rather than seek treatment. Since we have a family member who suffered from OAB, I am aware of the side effects. Aunt Blabby was a wonderful person but you could hear her coming from a block away. She would go on and on and while initially her one sided conversation made sense, after about 30 minutes she became a blithering idiot. Finally the family decided to have an intervention and under strong verbal protest she was put on a regiment of strong anti blabber drugs. Let me tell you, that was the worse decision the family ever made. Aunt Blabby, since she couldn’t talk, she started to eat massive quantities of fast food. Within months we stopped calling her Aunt Blabby. She sadly became Aunt Flabby. So please learn from our mistake and run for office this fall.
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