Dear Uncle TM,
I just bought this new book that is making predictions about stuff that was going to happen last year. It is almost like reading an old newspaper because this guy has been able to see things just the way they happened. For example he was able to pick every one of the winners in the last election, he knew what happened to the stock market and he even predicted all of the earth quakes. On the cover of the book he claims to be Nostradamus’s great nephew but somehow in the back of my mind I am really wondering if he is a fraud. Uncle TM I could order the 2009 Prediction book that will come out next February for $24.95 but I was wondering what you thought?
Signed,
Waiting and Wondering
Dear Waiting and Wondering,
Uncle TM has just finished his latest book, “Has the World Ended Yet?” It is a comprehensive study that opens a new way to view the end of times. So often authors write endless volumes filled with pure speculation about that subject, while failing to realize that the entire subject can be consolidated into an eco-friendly one page book. Uncle TM sincerely believes that if you are willing to purchase the book you wrote him about, then you need his book as a companion. Send all relevant bank information to Uncle TM by return mail and he will be on the next train out.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com
Monday, October 26, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
A LETTER ABOUT BRAIN CELLS
Dear Uncle TM,
I am getting really frustrated. All of my life my relatives have been telling me that if I had half a brain cell I would be able to figure things out. Now that I have come into some money since Aunt Harriet passed on I was thinking that if I could find one then I would be able to keep up with what is going on. Uncle TM I have been to just about every store in town asking them in a nice way if they had half a brain cell and for some reason they have thrown me out of just about every one of them. Is there anything that I can do?
Signed,
Hopeful Hannah
Dear Hopeful Hannah,
Obviously most of the sales clerks in your town do not know of the sophisticated research that had been done in the splitting of brain cells. While they are still working on it, there is still hope that in a short time through the use of brain accelerators they will be able isolate the cells and then, in turn, split them. Billions and billions of dollars have been spent on the project with the assistance of the Brain Stimulus Bill signed into law earlier this year. Since Congress has reserved the first 535 half cells I do suggest that you write your congressman and ask him to reserve one from the second batch for you.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com
I am getting really frustrated. All of my life my relatives have been telling me that if I had half a brain cell I would be able to figure things out. Now that I have come into some money since Aunt Harriet passed on I was thinking that if I could find one then I would be able to keep up with what is going on. Uncle TM I have been to just about every store in town asking them in a nice way if they had half a brain cell and for some reason they have thrown me out of just about every one of them. Is there anything that I can do?
Signed,
Hopeful Hannah
Dear Hopeful Hannah,
Obviously most of the sales clerks in your town do not know of the sophisticated research that had been done in the splitting of brain cells. While they are still working on it, there is still hope that in a short time through the use of brain accelerators they will be able isolate the cells and then, in turn, split them. Billions and billions of dollars have been spent on the project with the assistance of the Brain Stimulus Bill signed into law earlier this year. Since Congress has reserved the first 535 half cells I do suggest that you write your congressman and ask him to reserve one from the second batch for you.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
A LETTER ABOUT LONG AND SHORT STORIES
Dear Uncle TM.
I have this really big, tremendous, and huge problem. I make every short story really, really long. The other day I simply went to the convenience store down the street to buy a soft drink. You know the one that is at the end of the block that has that big blue sign that says 3 soft drinks for a dollar. Since I only wanted one they had to do some arithmetic to figure out how much I owed them. The trip only took me ten minutes but when I got home and tried to tell my husband about the trip it took me a good thirty minutes to tell him about it. I just couldn’t stop. I would add all sorts of side notes that when I look back really didn’t matter but they seemed important at the time. Like the lady who was behind the counter. I know that she had just gotten her hair done and I bet it was at that little shop over in the snob nose section of town. I really can’t see why she would go there considering that she didn’t have the sense of common decency not to wear white shoes after Labor Day. My grandmother was very fickle about that. In fact she would have my grandfather put all of her white items in the safe upstairs so that she could not get to them and run the risk of Myrtle Upshaw. That women could talk your leg off but she knew what was right in the fashion world even though we lived in the this really small town that only had one road in and one road out. Oh no, I am doing it again, Uncle TM is there anything that I can do to end this madness?
Signed,
Loose Lips
Dear Loose Lips,
Rather than look at your tendency to make that which is short long, look at it as an asset. Every two years there are a multitude of job openings at almost every level of government. Those with the greatest ability to keep the audience awake for the longest period of time while saying the least usually win the job. In fact all you really need to do is to get one good short story, make is really long and repeat it over and over until the election (job selection) day. Of course I know that you are wondering what in the world you will do when the election is over and you take office. Simple, do the same thing that got you elected!
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com
I have this really big, tremendous, and huge problem. I make every short story really, really long. The other day I simply went to the convenience store down the street to buy a soft drink. You know the one that is at the end of the block that has that big blue sign that says 3 soft drinks for a dollar. Since I only wanted one they had to do some arithmetic to figure out how much I owed them. The trip only took me ten minutes but when I got home and tried to tell my husband about the trip it took me a good thirty minutes to tell him about it. I just couldn’t stop. I would add all sorts of side notes that when I look back really didn’t matter but they seemed important at the time. Like the lady who was behind the counter. I know that she had just gotten her hair done and I bet it was at that little shop over in the snob nose section of town. I really can’t see why she would go there considering that she didn’t have the sense of common decency not to wear white shoes after Labor Day. My grandmother was very fickle about that. In fact she would have my grandfather put all of her white items in the safe upstairs so that she could not get to them and run the risk of Myrtle Upshaw. That women could talk your leg off but she knew what was right in the fashion world even though we lived in the this really small town that only had one road in and one road out. Oh no, I am doing it again, Uncle TM is there anything that I can do to end this madness?
Signed,
Loose Lips
Dear Loose Lips,
Rather than look at your tendency to make that which is short long, look at it as an asset. Every two years there are a multitude of job openings at almost every level of government. Those with the greatest ability to keep the audience awake for the longest period of time while saying the least usually win the job. In fact all you really need to do is to get one good short story, make is really long and repeat it over and over until the election (job selection) day. Of course I know that you are wondering what in the world you will do when the election is over and you take office. Simple, do the same thing that got you elected!
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com
Friday, October 9, 2009
A LETTER FROM SOMEONE DOWN IN THE DUMPS
Dear Uncle TM,
I am so tired of being such a loser. I just can’t seem to get any respect from my family and every time I open my mouth and try to make some kind of prophetic remark, they all laugh and seem to know that it is going to turn out the other way. Even with elections, it seems that when I select a candidate who is way ahead in the polls and I open my mouth saying that I think that he will win, you can almost bet that his future is doomed. Uncle TM how can I be a winner and get the respect of at least some of the members of my family?
Signed,
Down in the Dumps
Dear Down in the Dumps,
I am going to reveal to you a secret that I have used time and time again with the greatest of success. The only requirement is that you keep this strictly between the two of us. Okay?
The next time there is an election I want you to pick a contest. It doesn’t matter which one that it is but I want you to completely keep your mouth shut about it. Walk away from any conversation concerning it. Now about one week before the election I want you to send yourself two letters from two different post offices. In one of the letters I want you to say something like, “I predict that Candidate A will win the election”. In the other letter make the same prediction about Candidate B. Then on election night after the results have been announced pull out the letter that shows you to be the most politically astute guy on the block. This technique has worked well for me in every election except the one with Truman and Dewey.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com
I am so tired of being such a loser. I just can’t seem to get any respect from my family and every time I open my mouth and try to make some kind of prophetic remark, they all laugh and seem to know that it is going to turn out the other way. Even with elections, it seems that when I select a candidate who is way ahead in the polls and I open my mouth saying that I think that he will win, you can almost bet that his future is doomed. Uncle TM how can I be a winner and get the respect of at least some of the members of my family?
Signed,
Down in the Dumps
Dear Down in the Dumps,
I am going to reveal to you a secret that I have used time and time again with the greatest of success. The only requirement is that you keep this strictly between the two of us. Okay?
The next time there is an election I want you to pick a contest. It doesn’t matter which one that it is but I want you to completely keep your mouth shut about it. Walk away from any conversation concerning it. Now about one week before the election I want you to send yourself two letters from two different post offices. In one of the letters I want you to say something like, “I predict that Candidate A will win the election”. In the other letter make the same prediction about Candidate B. Then on election night after the results have been announced pull out the letter that shows you to be the most politically astute guy on the block. This technique has worked well for me in every election except the one with Truman and Dewey.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com
Sunday, October 4, 2009
A LETTER ABOUT SCHOOLS
Dear Uncle TM,
I am completely convinced that our schools have reached a new low. The other day my daughter came in from school and she said that they had started writing in cursing. I don’t know about the rest of the people but cursing is something that should be left at home and for this household we don’t allow it at all. When I went to school they sure didn’t let us curse but now they are teaching the kids how to do it! Uncle TM I have thought about going up to the principal’s office and setting him straight but I am afraid of what I might say. Can you offer me any help on this?
Signed,
Sue’s Mommy
Dear Sue’s Mommy,
Your letter speaks volumes about our school system. Obviously, the ripple effect of one little act can be devastating. Since there are many alternatives for educating your daughter I think she will be able to overcome her base problem but I don’t think you should consider home schooling for Sue.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. In it you will find that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com
I am completely convinced that our schools have reached a new low. The other day my daughter came in from school and she said that they had started writing in cursing. I don’t know about the rest of the people but cursing is something that should be left at home and for this household we don’t allow it at all. When I went to school they sure didn’t let us curse but now they are teaching the kids how to do it! Uncle TM I have thought about going up to the principal’s office and setting him straight but I am afraid of what I might say. Can you offer me any help on this?
Signed,
Sue’s Mommy
Dear Sue’s Mommy,
Your letter speaks volumes about our school system. Obviously, the ripple effect of one little act can be devastating. Since there are many alternatives for educating your daughter I think she will be able to overcome her base problem but I don’t think you should consider home schooling for Sue.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. In it you will find that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com
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