Dear Uncle TM,
I know you have probably heard this story before but I grew up in a really poor family. We were so poor that Mama, over the years, created a basement for us because of her obsession to sweep the dirt floors until she felt they were clean. As a boy I had always wanted some kind of pet and one weekend my Daddy worked overtime as a band tester at the rubber band factory so that he could buy me my own pet. That Saturday night when he came home and opened up his lunch pale out flew a pet fly that he told me he had bought from a close friend of his at the tavern he would stop by at on his way home so he could help pack lunches for the widows and orphans. Anyway, I named my fly Buzz and we would spend hours and hours together. He didn’t eat much but I had to keep him out of Mama’s sight because she was real funny about him. On day my best friend Mo came over to play with me after school and when he threw his books down on the table Buzz was not able to get out of the way in time. I can’t tell you Uncle TM how much my heart was broken and even though that happened so many years ago I have not been able to own any kind of pet because the little boy who is still in me cries himself to sleep every night. Can you help me?
Signed,
Little Big Man
Dear Little Big Man,
I think the only solution for your problem is to find another pet. However, I feel that it is quite important to find one that can not be smashed. To assist me in advising you I decided to visit one of my favorite professors at the State College. After I had discussed the problem with him he told me that the last thing he wanted you to have was a pet that could accidently meet his demise like Buzz. He took me over to the SAM (Smashed Animal Morgue) on the campus and I could see all types of animals that could be ruled out. However, the one thing I didn’t see there was an Elephant. Now I know that he might eat a bit more than Buzz did but I have never heard of a smashed Elephant. Besides I have heard that Elephants can fly – look at the last election.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
A LETTER ABOUT WEIGHT
Dear Uncle TM,
I know it is going to be hard for you to understand what I have been going through but I am still going to try. For years I have been trying to loose some weight and it seemed that every diet I tried didn’t work. In fact on some of them I would put on a few more pounds. Finally I found one that worked and even though it took me over a year to get down to a pretty good looking size I am now faced with an even heavier problem. My husband wants to get a family portrait taken and then he wants to send it to every relative that he can think of. While that might seem okay to just about anyone else you have to understand Uncle TM that my relatives are probably the most critical people in the world and they have never given me any rest when it comes to my weight. So even though I have lost all this weight I heard the other day that the camera will add a whopping fifteen pounds and I just know that their tongues won’t stop wagging. Is there any hope for me?
Signed,
Almost Just Right
Dear Almost Just,
The camera will only add ten pounds.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com
I know it is going to be hard for you to understand what I have been going through but I am still going to try. For years I have been trying to loose some weight and it seemed that every diet I tried didn’t work. In fact on some of them I would put on a few more pounds. Finally I found one that worked and even though it took me over a year to get down to a pretty good looking size I am now faced with an even heavier problem. My husband wants to get a family portrait taken and then he wants to send it to every relative that he can think of. While that might seem okay to just about anyone else you have to understand Uncle TM that my relatives are probably the most critical people in the world and they have never given me any rest when it comes to my weight. So even though I have lost all this weight I heard the other day that the camera will add a whopping fifteen pounds and I just know that their tongues won’t stop wagging. Is there any hope for me?
Signed,
Almost Just Right
Dear Almost Just,
The camera will only add ten pounds.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com
Saturday, September 11, 2010
A LETTER ABOUT LYING
Dear Uncle TM,
I know that this may seem a little silly to you but this is something that has been bothering me for awhile. Every so often I hear people saying that someone is lying through their teeth. I can understand that you can pick up on the fact that someone is lying but, what if they don’t have any teeth anymore? The reason that I ask this is because of my Uncle Febus. Uncle Febus could never finish a sentence without stretching the truth. Everyone in the family was always saying that you shouldn’t take anything that he said as fact because he was always lying through his teeth. Well a few years ago he had all of his teeth pulled and since he lied to the dentist about paying him he never got any false teeth. Uncle TM as it turns out even though Uncle Febus lost his teeth it didn’t change him. He is still that lying no good that he always was but the problem is that everybody is still saying that he lies through something that is not even there. Should this be bothering me?
Signed,
Always Floss
Dear Always Floss,
It sounds like the whole family exaggerates.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com
I know that this may seem a little silly to you but this is something that has been bothering me for awhile. Every so often I hear people saying that someone is lying through their teeth. I can understand that you can pick up on the fact that someone is lying but, what if they don’t have any teeth anymore? The reason that I ask this is because of my Uncle Febus. Uncle Febus could never finish a sentence without stretching the truth. Everyone in the family was always saying that you shouldn’t take anything that he said as fact because he was always lying through his teeth. Well a few years ago he had all of his teeth pulled and since he lied to the dentist about paying him he never got any false teeth. Uncle TM as it turns out even though Uncle Febus lost his teeth it didn’t change him. He is still that lying no good that he always was but the problem is that everybody is still saying that he lies through something that is not even there. Should this be bothering me?
Signed,
Always Floss
Dear Always Floss,
It sounds like the whole family exaggerates.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com
Thursday, September 9, 2010
A LETTER ABOUT THE FUTURE
Dear Uncle TM,
I don’t know if I should be happy or sad. Ever since I was a little boy I have wondered how I was going to turn out in life. I know that is a really hard question for a teenager to get an answer to but I became obsessed with wanting to know. Finally, in desperation and I think to get me to shut up my parents enrolled me in a private school. My first days at Nostradamus High School were okay but they seemed to have an air about them like they knew how you were going to turn out but they wouldn’t tell you for some reason or the other. When I couldn’t take it anymore I broke into the Principal’s office and pulled out my file. Just as I started reading it the police came into the office and arrested me. Now I am in reform school and all I can remember from the file was that it said that I would end up in the slammer at an early age. Needless to say, the police came in and arrested me before I could read the second sentence. Uncle TM I don’t know who to turn to. Do you have any insight about my future?
Signed,
In The Jail House Now
Dear Jail House Now,
Yes, I do. I have examined writings from all over the world in an effort to find an answer for you. Fortunately among the documents I looked at I found something that I believe directly relates to you. From some early Mayan writings I can tell that something interesting will happen to you in 2012. Thanks for writing and keep some bird seed on your window sill.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com
I don’t know if I should be happy or sad. Ever since I was a little boy I have wondered how I was going to turn out in life. I know that is a really hard question for a teenager to get an answer to but I became obsessed with wanting to know. Finally, in desperation and I think to get me to shut up my parents enrolled me in a private school. My first days at Nostradamus High School were okay but they seemed to have an air about them like they knew how you were going to turn out but they wouldn’t tell you for some reason or the other. When I couldn’t take it anymore I broke into the Principal’s office and pulled out my file. Just as I started reading it the police came into the office and arrested me. Now I am in reform school and all I can remember from the file was that it said that I would end up in the slammer at an early age. Needless to say, the police came in and arrested me before I could read the second sentence. Uncle TM I don’t know who to turn to. Do you have any insight about my future?
Signed,
In The Jail House Now
Dear Jail House Now,
Yes, I do. I have examined writings from all over the world in an effort to find an answer for you. Fortunately among the documents I looked at I found something that I believe directly relates to you. From some early Mayan writings I can tell that something interesting will happen to you in 2012. Thanks for writing and keep some bird seed on your window sill.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com
Monday, September 6, 2010
A LETTER ABOUT BOXES
Dear Uncle TM,
I have never been a real aggressive person. In fact I kind of sit in the background and pretty much go with the flow of things. Frankly, I don’t think, other than writing you, that I have ever thought outside the box. I have never ventured into any situation that I didn’t know exactly what the result was going to be. Uncle TM, I am sick of myself. I am tired of knowing just how many squirts of toothpaste are in each tube, what will happen if you stick your tongue into an electrical outlet or that if you step on a crack you will break your mother’s back. I’m desperate, how can I get out of this box before I go over the edge? Of course, if you don’t think it is a good idea I will stay right here.
Signed,
Wanting To Get Out
Dear Wanting To,
Contrary to some historical accounts, The Boxer Rebellion was not a political uprising in China between 1898 and 1901. The Boxer Rebellion is a repetitive revolt that is made up from a group of people like you who had thought inside the box all of their lives and had been led to believe that this was the only way to have a happy existence. The oppressors in this situation were actually people who thought outside the box but sincerely believed that without people in the box their lives would become the norm and consequently they would be in a new box and thinking like everyone else. As it turns out, they were right and each time enough people revolted and got out of the box a new box was formed around them and they became very uncool. So my advice to you is to stay in the box and just wait for enough people to jump out. Then by default you win!
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com
I have never been a real aggressive person. In fact I kind of sit in the background and pretty much go with the flow of things. Frankly, I don’t think, other than writing you, that I have ever thought outside the box. I have never ventured into any situation that I didn’t know exactly what the result was going to be. Uncle TM, I am sick of myself. I am tired of knowing just how many squirts of toothpaste are in each tube, what will happen if you stick your tongue into an electrical outlet or that if you step on a crack you will break your mother’s back. I’m desperate, how can I get out of this box before I go over the edge? Of course, if you don’t think it is a good idea I will stay right here.
Signed,
Wanting To Get Out
Dear Wanting To,
Contrary to some historical accounts, The Boxer Rebellion was not a political uprising in China between 1898 and 1901. The Boxer Rebellion is a repetitive revolt that is made up from a group of people like you who had thought inside the box all of their lives and had been led to believe that this was the only way to have a happy existence. The oppressors in this situation were actually people who thought outside the box but sincerely believed that without people in the box their lives would become the norm and consequently they would be in a new box and thinking like everyone else. As it turns out, they were right and each time enough people revolted and got out of the box a new box was formed around them and they became very uncool. So my advice to you is to stay in the box and just wait for enough people to jump out. Then by default you win!
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com
Friday, July 16, 2010
A LETTER ABOUT BLABBER
Dear Uncle TM,
I have never been able to keep my mouth shut and to say the least it has caused me a world of hurt. I have tried just about everything that you can think of. One day I even put a piece of tape over my mouth but I couldn’t stop my tongue from licking through the tape so that I could tell the world just what I thought they needed to hear. I have thought about going to the doctor but I am afraid that he is going to diagnose me with Over Active Blabber. That is okay but I am afraid of the side effects from the drugs he might prescribe. Uncle TM do you know anything about OAB and what they do to treat it?
Signed,
Let Me Tell You
Dear Let Me Tell You,
Over Active Blabber has plagued families all over the country for hundreds of years. Normally people who suffer from the disease simply go into politics rather than seek treatment. Since we have a family member who suffered from OAB, I am aware of the side effects. Aunt Blabby was a wonderful person but you could hear her coming from a block away. She would go on and on and while initially her one sided conversation made sense, after about 30 minutes she became a blithering idiot. Finally the family decided to have an intervention and under strong verbal protest she was put on a regiment of strong anti blabber drugs. Let me tell you, that was the worse decision the family ever made. Aunt Blabby, since she couldn’t talk, she started to eat massive quantities of fast food. Within months we stopped calling her Aunt Blabby. She sadly became Aunt Flabby. So please learn from our mistake and run for office this fall.
I have never been able to keep my mouth shut and to say the least it has caused me a world of hurt. I have tried just about everything that you can think of. One day I even put a piece of tape over my mouth but I couldn’t stop my tongue from licking through the tape so that I could tell the world just what I thought they needed to hear. I have thought about going to the doctor but I am afraid that he is going to diagnose me with Over Active Blabber. That is okay but I am afraid of the side effects from the drugs he might prescribe. Uncle TM do you know anything about OAB and what they do to treat it?
Signed,
Let Me Tell You
Dear Let Me Tell You,
Over Active Blabber has plagued families all over the country for hundreds of years. Normally people who suffer from the disease simply go into politics rather than seek treatment. Since we have a family member who suffered from OAB, I am aware of the side effects. Aunt Blabby was a wonderful person but you could hear her coming from a block away. She would go on and on and while initially her one sided conversation made sense, after about 30 minutes she became a blithering idiot. Finally the family decided to have an intervention and under strong verbal protest she was put on a regiment of strong anti blabber drugs. Let me tell you, that was the worse decision the family ever made. Aunt Blabby, since she couldn’t talk, she started to eat massive quantities of fast food. Within months we stopped calling her Aunt Blabby. She sadly became Aunt Flabby. So please learn from our mistake and run for office this fall.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
A LETTER ABOUT COLLEGE DEGREES
Dear Uncle TM,
I have always wanted to get some kind of college degree but I haven’t had the time or money to go through the process. Now since my invention of a unique devise to locate frogs in heavily wooded areas (Fred’s Frog Finder) I have the money to pursue a degree but I am still lacking in time. Uncle TM I don’t want to resort to some cheap paper mill school to get a degree but I have run out of options. Do you have any suggestions?
Signed,
Fred the Frog Finder
Dear Fred,
Obviously you are a man of refined action and I can tell by your letter that you are qualified to enter into Uncle TM’s doctorate program that has been formulated with the cooperation of Universidad de Andorra. Since the program is totally flexible and driven by monetary considerations, you will never claim that your degree was in any way cheap. In fact it has been said that the mere cost of the program gives it credibility. As a bonus feature you can add additional amounts of laude for additional consideration. The degree automatically comes with a magna cum laude designation but maxima and summa are available. Will you be paying by check or credit card? Also, let us know how to correctly spell your name. As a matter of school policy, all degrees are non-returnable.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com
I have always wanted to get some kind of college degree but I haven’t had the time or money to go through the process. Now since my invention of a unique devise to locate frogs in heavily wooded areas (Fred’s Frog Finder) I have the money to pursue a degree but I am still lacking in time. Uncle TM I don’t want to resort to some cheap paper mill school to get a degree but I have run out of options. Do you have any suggestions?
Signed,
Fred the Frog Finder
Dear Fred,
Obviously you are a man of refined action and I can tell by your letter that you are qualified to enter into Uncle TM’s doctorate program that has been formulated with the cooperation of Universidad de Andorra. Since the program is totally flexible and driven by monetary considerations, you will never claim that your degree was in any way cheap. In fact it has been said that the mere cost of the program gives it credibility. As a bonus feature you can add additional amounts of laude for additional consideration. The degree automatically comes with a magna cum laude designation but maxima and summa are available. Will you be paying by check or credit card? Also, let us know how to correctly spell your name. As a matter of school policy, all degrees are non-returnable.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com
Saturday, April 17, 2010
A LETTER ABOUT COLD TURKEY
Dear Uncle TM,
I have been trying to quit smoking for years and years and I know that everybody keeps saying that the only real way to quit is to quit cold turkey. Now I know that I will probably make another New Year’s resolution this year but in my heart I just know that I won’t be able to give up cold turkey especially when they use Grandma’s recipe for cold turkey salad. Uncle TM is their anyway I could stop smoking without giving up my turkey?
Signed,
Winston
Dear Winston,
I too had the same problem with smoking and turkey. I tried just about everything I could think of to get around giving up the turkey. I went to group hypnosis sessions, got addicted to stop smoking drugs and even tried smoking lettuce but none of that worked. Finally after a big Thanksgiving dinner I was trying to put the turkey scraps down the garbage disposal and the turkey clogged up all my drains and I had to spend a fortune on a plumber in the middle of Thanksgiving Day. Winston, that hit me so hard in the pocket book I gathered together the strength to never touch a turkey again. Within the week I was able to stop smoking and for that I can thank an overly plump Butterball. So take my word for it, if you give up cold turkey, you can quit those demon cigarettes (maybe).
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com
I have been trying to quit smoking for years and years and I know that everybody keeps saying that the only real way to quit is to quit cold turkey. Now I know that I will probably make another New Year’s resolution this year but in my heart I just know that I won’t be able to give up cold turkey especially when they use Grandma’s recipe for cold turkey salad. Uncle TM is their anyway I could stop smoking without giving up my turkey?
Signed,
Winston
Dear Winston,
I too had the same problem with smoking and turkey. I tried just about everything I could think of to get around giving up the turkey. I went to group hypnosis sessions, got addicted to stop smoking drugs and even tried smoking lettuce but none of that worked. Finally after a big Thanksgiving dinner I was trying to put the turkey scraps down the garbage disposal and the turkey clogged up all my drains and I had to spend a fortune on a plumber in the middle of Thanksgiving Day. Winston, that hit me so hard in the pocket book I gathered together the strength to never touch a turkey again. Within the week I was able to stop smoking and for that I can thank an overly plump Butterball. So take my word for it, if you give up cold turkey, you can quit those demon cigarettes (maybe).
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com
Sunday, January 31, 2010
A LETTER ABOUT SENSELESS JOBS
Dear Uncle TM,
I am so relieved and I just had to tell someone. I think that I have finally found a job for my brother in law. Yesterday when I was at the beauty shop I overheard a couple of the ladies talking and they were saying that the government was now hiring some senseless workers and they were going to pay them some pretty big bucks. I will tell you Uncle TM the first person that I thought of was my brother in law. He has always been down on his luck but I really think that 90% of it is his fault and he shouldn’t have married all those other women before he got around to my sister. Anyway Uncle TM do you know anything about this?
Signed,
Peggy Sue
Dear Peggy,
To a certain degree you are right. Our founding fathers knew that the popularity of any government worked in a cycle of about ten years. For example everything was OK with England in 1766 but by 1776, “Katie Bar The Door”! That being said, they knew that the best way to keep everybody happy was to provide some jobs counting the people (pork) every ten years and when the people calmed down, they could eliminate those jobs and use the money saved to build bridges over deer crossings. So Peggy in 2010, the cycle came around and like clockwork the jobs were created. However this time, in the spirit of transparency, the current administration decided to call the jobs senseless.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com
I am so relieved and I just had to tell someone. I think that I have finally found a job for my brother in law. Yesterday when I was at the beauty shop I overheard a couple of the ladies talking and they were saying that the government was now hiring some senseless workers and they were going to pay them some pretty big bucks. I will tell you Uncle TM the first person that I thought of was my brother in law. He has always been down on his luck but I really think that 90% of it is his fault and he shouldn’t have married all those other women before he got around to my sister. Anyway Uncle TM do you know anything about this?
Signed,
Peggy Sue
Dear Peggy,
To a certain degree you are right. Our founding fathers knew that the popularity of any government worked in a cycle of about ten years. For example everything was OK with England in 1766 but by 1776, “Katie Bar The Door”! That being said, they knew that the best way to keep everybody happy was to provide some jobs counting the people (pork) every ten years and when the people calmed down, they could eliminate those jobs and use the money saved to build bridges over deer crossings. So Peggy in 2010, the cycle came around and like clockwork the jobs were created. However this time, in the spirit of transparency, the current administration decided to call the jobs senseless.
When it seems that your life is without hope and direction, you need to either write to Uncle TM for comprehensive and compassionate advice at TMSharp@gmail.com or check out his book, “Uncle TM’s Advice to the Forlorn and Desperate”. Light and humorous, the book will show you that when compared to others, your problems are few! Go to www.uncletm.com
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